Cher William,
I don't know why I keep using this page to write you letters since you allowed me as a friend on facebook. I may still be as shy as a wild cat, not yet tamed nor used to your re-discovered friendship. Neither do I want to trouble you with my so personnal doubts during your first days of freedom and manhood; I still hope though that you will find these words one day or another, and understand and forgive my weaknesses - or tell me to behave...
As my other William friend (the S. one) would put it : "In truth I know not why I'am so sad"
I can't stand my job anymore (well, this is not breaking news, let's say that the physical effects of this disgust or incapacity are now having terrible consequences on my health and mind) and despite those drawbacks, i'am still loving it, and the beautiful places I'am living in, and the nice people i'am meeting everyday . So what can I do ? It's so difficult, I'am not a natural born manager, as you would guess easily, and working here is emptying me of all the meager ressources I own.
Could you believe that I need one bottle of gin every single day to merely be able to go to work ? Of course, nobody could tell, because of my theatrical skills, but nonetheless this is the sad and despicable truth. Just one year ago, this magic recipe was still working, but now I'm just so tired and weak and bored - and my body is not going to stop to warn me...
I am sure that having a friend here would prevent me from doing such stupid things, but it is a vicious circle, and I know that you'll understand me, because solitude (or loneliness) was one of the thing that made us connect together.
Et surtout je suis devenu muet, incapable de formuler ce que mon cerveau pas trop abîmé encore mais en voie de l'être me crie : "casse-toi le plus vite possible, et remets-toi à marcher sur tes jambes avant qu'il ne soit trop tard."
It's been so long since my last nice evening (you know, when in bed at night you're thinking about the beautiful day you just had...). It would be so difficult to clearly explain to you all the frustration I feel while spending all my days working with no friends to talk to and spend time with; but with your stay in Bayonne you just reminded me about the importance of living with friends and sharing time with people you like.
Il fallait bien que je le dise et tant pis si ce n'est pas bien écrit où s'il vaudrait mieux l'avouer à un psy plutôt qu'à toi. Je ne veux rien te cacher, même si "garanty void if seal broken", nous sommes les deux personnes auxquelles je ne souhaite pas mentir
Voilà aussi pourquoi je semble tellement à l'affût de tes nouvelles, comme un nageur près de la noyade arrivant dans une poche d'air.
Please forgive me for the very formal and bordélique tone of this letter - I know that you won't be able to offer me any magical answer but it's my way of saying that I'am so affraid of dying or suffering or being unable to be with you and be a good and profitable friend to you.
Mais, tout de même, le ciel est bleu et les cigales chantent (heureusement...)
Big hug,
Tristan
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